April 29 2010

April 29 2010

So....I got distracted again. D: Sucks. Ohwell God, but yeah, I guess that's one of the huge problems I have? I had many thoughts, but now they're mostly gone and uhhhhh. Ursh. I can't really be bothered to get them back. I guess I should write down stuff straightaway. I don't know. There's so much stuff I don't know. Meditation of Discipline. Hmmm.


Anyway. Yeah. I have so much to do today....cell attendance. Cell plan. Shery party attendance. Confirm worship. Testimony. Dance. Cell. Sigh. And I'm not sure if I can get it all done, i mean, the reason why I'm so stretched now is because I got so distracted previously, pokemon, Rachael, jessie issues, porn, sigh. Or wasting time.

And I wanted to start out today again, and I started, and I got distracted again. D: I hate it, but I don't know if I can stop it? Bleagh.

Sometimes I wonder how Rachael still can be so crazy about me when I'm such a maddening screwup. Like work. Or living with me. Or sometime. I need to become a transformed person after your Name, God. After you. On my own. Before matching myself to her. But yeah...

I also can't fight the nagging suspicion that I don't want to think about, that we're doing something wrong. That we're in a relationship. That we're being too close. Phone sex, being in each other's arms, talking the way we do. Don't get me wrong. I love it. I'm insane over this girl. I thank you so much for her God. But I hate feeling like I have to put on the brakes for anything, it doesn't feel right. And yet going faster seems to be a sin or something, or condemned by pastor josh, cerise, la, if I told them, or something. Its a bad feeling to have. I just don't want to be scolded. I mean, I can talk to you. I trust you. But I'm also not sure whether you approve of this or not? Your approval means a lot to me. I mean, people in relationships, not in church or whatever, are in love, and you approve of that, right? I think? Which brings it down to a church leadership holding a whole bunch of rules over our heads that make us feel bad and worry and guilty?

I don't know. Confusion.


But yeah. I'm happy. I really am. And I want to get back to you, God. I know I've been away. Distracted. Rarrrgh. I want to be set on fire for you again. I'm glad we're talking like this. Its an improvement from yesterday. I'm glad. Really. I want to be in a place where I wake up, spend time with you, worship, journal, whatever, do the rest of my stuff, not sin, be productive, but its so hard sometimes! I get so distracted D:



I pray that I won't get distracted from you. That I really seek you first. Always. Help me back there God. I'm going to stop talking now because I feel I should start on cell stuff. Yeah. There's plenty more to say but I guess I don't have to vomit it all out straightaway? Maybe daily/nightly letters. Yeah. I would like that. Help me please (:


Love you so much, God.

Missing you

Oh yeah. Bless Rachael's art exams, God. And get everyone into NRA. I know you can bless them that way. Jessie, Chen Pin, Bettina, Zafira, Sharon. Lead them according to your will, God, I claim that. I bless them. Thank you <3

SO LET'S KICK THE ASS OUT OF THIS CELL THING.

I'm not sure if that's the right attitude, actually. Ahahaha. Let this be a good plan God. To bless them according to your will. Love. I surrender it to you, and your grace and power.

Humility.

Love.