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What I have decided I will do, in my life, regarding my life, Christianity, and HIP interview tmr

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 at 12:39am | Edit Note | Delete

To stop thinking about this issue or that problem I need to solve in myself, or come to terms with. To stop worrying about whether I'm thinking the right way, or whether my motivations are correct for this and that. And whether everything is in line with each other. And the Bible. And with God. And checking and checking over and over again -

All these are ultimately good and moral things to do, I could choose to spend all this time trying to fix flaws in my character to have a perfect person (or at least as perfect as I can make me) so that when I present myself to God to serve I know I won't screw up anyone under me because of said past issue I have no dealt with in the past.

And then because ultimately I am a very flawed and distracted person, lock myself in a torrid circular cycle trying to fix this, and that, and then falling away again for an old issue that I thought I fixed, and falling away, and fixing, and ultimately not doing anything.

This is not a good thing.

Its good to think and check and self-assess oneself, and one should never lose that ability, but I really need to put my foot down and be a guy about this. To stop thinking (because ultimately I will never stop) and do something about it.

To just simply give up and say to God, here I am, flawed, very flawed. And you know what God, I know my heart and I know my desire to serve. So won't you take this desire to serve and this flawed person, and I will serve you the best way I possibly can, listening to you.

And no matter what flaws I have, I suppose God will work it out along the way.

So long as I listen to Him first, and obey Him first, which is not as easy as it sounds, even though our eyes and minds so often glaze over and gloss over what seems to be a simple statement.

Cause its no light statement to say "I"m going to listen to God every step of the way"

"Every step"

That's a lot of steps, and a lot of seconds, to be listening out for God's voice. Like the second you spent reading this word. And this second, and this second. Every single frame-by-frame flicker of your existence, the 20 i've lost trying to craft this sentence the right way trying to fit in some metaphor about bugs buzzing past and life withering and blooming and drops of sands of time.

Extend all of those millions of seconds every hour, every week, for the rest of your life. That's a huge-ginormous-mega-galaxy-spanning statement we're making there.

And then there's Obeying, which is a whole new ballpark in itself, but I think you get the general idea.

Coming back to the point, God, I could think a lot, and work out this issue, and that issue, and rationalize, and think of past experiences, and worry about whether I'm living out my beliefs and whether I've been consistent and what to say to people who question me about my life.

Or I could just, stop, stare, say God I give up trying to present myself as a perfect person BEFORE I START jumping into serving you (not saying that we shouldn't try to present ourselves to God as perfectly as we can, and die trying, we should), but to say God, here am I, flawed, very flawed, very tempted by a lot of things, and I wouldn't put myself in charge of a bunch of p-sixers or a bunch of 13-year-olds with the amount of temptations and impulses and flaws I have, because I know myself, but I want to serve you anyway, and my desire is strong.

And if you want to chuck me at a bunch of kids, or to be a leader responsible for the spiritual growth of anybody, despite my own flaws, right now, great, I'm totally there, despite my misgivings.

And despite my flaws (trust me, there are many deep dark ones), as long as I'm listening to you, and obeying you, and living in love-

You'll take me there.

And everyone you put me in charge of.

Despite my flaws.

That's the whole point of you saving everyone in the first place, innit, in some parallel ironic comparison? Despite our flaws? I suppose it goes for serving too.

I suppose.

I could be completely wrong about this. But it'll be what I will understand going into the HIP interview tmr with pastor jen. Despite my misgivings about me thinking that right here, right now, over the few days, I have not been ready, I've been distracted.

I'll never be ready, at least I don't think so. I am a great cynic about myself when I am sober.

But I am ready, desire-wise, to try.

There's a lot more I thought about besides this little excerpt here, but what has been written has been what I have been guided/led to write, I suppose by the Holy Spirit, at least from the second paragraph onwards.

And now I shall stop my circular thinking and go do something about studying for that exam tmr.

And tmr for better or worse, I'll be honest. Honestly? If pastor jen gets me going, I can tell her a million things about why I don't think I'm ready for the job. That doesn't mean I don't want to..

Okay, its not a job, its a programme. But it leads up to one.

But this is important to me, I want to be honest about who I am tmr. Whether it shows up as much self-doubt as I have and ill-represents all the other parts, whatever happens tmr, it won't be because I tried to hide something in best interests so they'll look on me in a better light, so I'll get picked.

Well, this might lead to me representing myself unfairly, negatively, I am aware, because like most people, if I am completely honest about myself, I come down very hard on me.

Yeah well. I know if the pastors decide I am unsuitable, it'll be for the good of all, me included, and the decision will be led by God, so I'm not worried about that aspect, but its important to remember it, I think.

Yeah well, I'm starting circular thinking again, points that are good but are detracting from me actually getting something done. And me pondering whether I should say something that is unnecessary and pointing out that it is unnecessary but deciding because it is unnecessary I just shouldn't say it-

The previous statement being a prime example.

Yeah. I'm off to do CommIss, though I could pick my brain all night.

I'm glad God got me to ground myself and think about all this tonight though, I needed to :D

Goodnight!

I wonder if this will help anybody. Or it could have just fried a few brains, I mean, I can't even bother to bring myself to read through all the drivel I just typed, again, its too messy..

Bleagh. I apologise. Haha. I am one messed up person.

That won't stop talking.

But you already knew that.

I hope.

I think too much. I could start talking about how and why I think too much, but I usually and always give up before I get that far.

This is one of the few times I am mentioning it though.

At least I think so.

I think too much.

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