Hey, morning, its a beautiful day (:

Feeling happy cause I'm actually up, showered and about at 745am!

To a nice rainy heavy showers morning, that was good, even though I slept at 2/3ish.


I love mornings, and waking up and seeing the steam rising up from the ground through the morning mist as the earth wakes up is really cool :D

Plus now I can be productive. Nice. Not gonna keep late nights anymore, I think, the Jimmy Kimmel show has been holding less fascination for me day after day. I want my mornings (:




Yesterday was cool. Visited ACJC with cell to pray for each other, and the school. Can I say how insanely cool it is that in that area, there's not just one school raised up for God, but three? And I grew up in one of them, and my siblings are in two of them right now.

Makes you wonder how it would be if I was in AC right. Hahaha. But I'm not, and will forever look on it from the outside looking in.

God's plan, not mine. I'm happy where I am, and I love how much I've grown, and how God has opened my eyes and grown me in Ngee Ann, and all the people I've met that have shaped me so much.


But I've always been a sucker for ideals, romance, and "what is meant to be", so yeah haha.


Barney and Charisia couldn't get me a uniform haha, so I just ran around the place in my private dancer shirt. Maybe not the best of ideas :/


But it was cool overall I guess. It was interesting how it turned out. Met 4 people from my past who had drastically different reactions to me.

Two didn't know me very well back in River Valley, but only one of them was genuinely happy to see me. And that was the one I didn't pay as much attention too in soccer and all, not as much as the other guy who was mostly in shock to see me and walked off after fumbling for something to say to me.

Two were classmates I had had for 2 years. One of them ignored me as I saw her and smiled, walking towards her, choosing to continue talking on her phone and back off as I stupidly stood there feeling like an idiot. I mean seriously now? Sheesh.

It was good to see the other, who saw me, hugged me, asked how I was with genuine concern, and re-exchanged numbers with me. It was good to see you again, Eileen. I've missed you, and I probably won't see you here, but I'm saying it anyway. Much love, and I'll always be by your side :D You made my day like nothing else did that day! (:



Guess who else I saw? I mean, I was only vaguely surprised this time cause God seems to like doing retarded things like that to me, but I couldn't tear my eyes away, not really, it was unmistakeable the effect it had on me.

I hate that effect.

I didn't say hi by the way. Her back was turned, and some distance away, and I didn't feel like calling out to her randomly the way I usually do to people that mean a lot to me. Or go over. I wasn't sure how'd she'd take it, at that point. What she would think of me.

I hate being caught between those points of fear and longing (to meet someone that means a lot to me as a friend)? For a person like me, who generally always goes impulsively for what I want to do and is unafraid to chase it, it really really, really really, sucks.


Blah. Its not so much that it hurts, but more of me feeling really pathetic that it hurt just a little bit. I thought I was fine, I thought I was over it, and I think largely I am and I thank God for it(:

But its scary what 10 minutes of sensing someone in the same canteen can do to me. And goodness I don't welcome being pathetic like that at all. She did nothing wrong man, its all me, and I should be stronger than that. Aye?

And you know, deep down somewhere, there's a little lie sprung up from stupidity that "the pain will only go away if you get together". And i know it to be a lie because reason,wisdom, logic, maturity and experience all go to show that that is bullshit. Haha. The kind of happiness I'm searching for isn't found in a person, or a relationship with any person, it is found in God, perfect love! (: And after that, friends. Haha.

So yeah. Haha. I have no hard feelings though. Thinking about it in the clearheadness of the morning, it stand to reason that she has none either. In fact, we cleared it up the last time we met, and I know she thinks no ill of me at all. But the fear still comes and shakes me sometimes, its easy to believe it at times. :/

If you're reading this, I'm sorry, kay? I'm sorry for bringing up the whole thing again, but I NEED to be honest with myself about my feelings, but above all I'm okay. I view the whole thing as a good thing, and if we could be good friends again, it'd be a cool thing. Haha. If anything else, I miss the good times we used to share as close friends, and in a good way, its just that sometimes the fear that you think of me negatively and don't want to see me again because its weird takes hold of me, but I KNOW that isn't true. Both of us aren't stupid people like that. (: I'm sorry if I gave you any guilt or confusion or anything, and its cool that we're past all of that now. If we could reforge the friendship without cracks, without worries in the friendship that we'd step on each others' toes in sensitive issues, that'd be insanely cool. I miss being totally honest with you about everything. Haha. See you soon. And God bless for As, knock yourself out. XD


Man. If anything, I'm going to have good stories for the BGR-messing youth when I'm older. Lol.

If anything, I'm holding on to the faith that better or worse, the emotions and sensations I'm going through now is for a reason. If God won't let me let go, He has his purposes. Whether He has some epic love story planned (which I highly doubt, and is an extremity, and if it happened it would be the ultimate in irony even considering all that has happened so far in my life), or its so I can relate, and use the experience to help some other bunch of hurting teens when I'm older, or some other purpose I cannot comprehend, He has his reasons. Its the best I could come up with in all my pondering yesterday(:

At the very least, it was a relevant reminder about how people who are going through the whole situation currently are feeling. Yeah. We'll see where that takes us.


Met Jayne and Barney, prayed, and that was cool. Sumin actually looked really good in the AC shirt! HAHA. It was funny how we could roll River Valley/NJC hates right off each other. Hahaha.


So headed to school later, and off to Keenan's place with Josh, Gerald, Ray, Sabreena and the PS2 for some good old button mashing fun til like 10 plus when Keenan's mom imperiously declared us off her property with good reason. Ha.


The trip home was pretty much spent trying to fight off the whole lie thing and emotions and all that I mentioned earlier, and asking God to take it from me. Yeah. It pretty much went like this:

Gloom

What if..

*slaps self*

No Keann, no what ifs. Don't go there, its a stupid line of thought

Yeah but what if!

*slaps self*


Etc.


Yeah blagh. God taking the whole thing from me would be cool though. Heck, I declare it gone. GTFO (:


Mmmhmmmm.

Lol. We all like to dream I think. And I had a pretty cool one last night. It was like a Red Camp reunion of sorts. The usual Ambassador/SL bunch were there. In our tribe shirts. Running around some facility that looked like the Salvation Army campus. Planning, meeting, saying hi, catching up, you know. The usual when a really bonded and motivated group of people meet again to kick butt all over again. Haha. Keenan was there in his hat when we were on the chartered bus there. And at night, we had some kind of horror movie screening, in a classroom that looked exactly like my Sec 3 classroom. And some of the people that I met today surfaced there. And their associated bunch of friends, you know, back then. Eileen was there, it was a pleasant surprise. Anna and Charlotte were there, sitting at the back messing around like they usually do.


I spent a lot of time hanging out with Charlotte in the dream, I vaguely remember. Haha. I wonder how you are, girl(:


I think, that what I want most of all is to show the people in my past how I've changed? If we had a good relationship, I want to show them the person I've become so we can be happy together, and forge an even stronger/happier/closer friendship than the one we had before, and go from strength to strength.

If we've had a bad one, or one ruined along the way, I too want to show them the person I've become, and I desperately want to make amends. If someone ever thought I was weird, irritating, a showboater, and all of that, I desperately want to make amends. And see how we'd turn out now, now that I'm a much smarter and wiser and not quite so much an idiot person.


Meh. I think I should learn to let go. I am such a horribly stubborn I-want-my-second-shot person. Haha.


Okay thats all I've got for today. Haha. Later. God bless for promos and As and Os everybody, you are being prayed for (: